“Your past was s**t. So what? We all have problems.”

Indeed, we do. Okay, so maybe this particular imaginary grumpy person living on my desk at the moment trying to undermine me and stop me from writing has a point. Please, everyone picture a rather annoying miniature little person jumping up and down on my desk hurling all sorts of horrible things at me. I call it the “abuse robot.” The robot repeating the same threats made to me years ago, simply because I dared start a blog.

Beautiful thing is… this little abuse robot is quite small, and if I want to, I can flick it away. Indeed, sometimes I do. However, on this particular occasion I have to ponder (good word) for a moment. 

“We all have problems.” I have never disputed this. Never tried to make out my life to be any worse. (Why the hell would anyone in their right mind want to? That’s a great conversation starter – ‘I won’t listen to your problems, mine must be worse. Hear me hear me hear me.’ Blah). My friend may lose their cat and my heart aches for them, another friend might be repeatedly smacking their forehead on their desk in some desperate attempt to quite literally shake the answers for their coursework right out of their brain. I wonder if anyone’s answer has just fallen out and it becomes a case of copy and paste…. who knows. Interesting thought. To ponder some more… (word of the day, my friends).

So why then, if I recognise that hurt, pain and stress is all relative, do I deem myself as having the “right” to start a blog? And indeed, hope people will read it? If nothing else, I hope to hear the word “ponder” to be used more often from this point onwards. I thank you.

The answer is this. Almost anyone can understand exam stress. Even losing a cat. Or having no money and living off of porridge for a week. (hmm). Or even stuff like parents’ divorcing, or serious illness. Etc etc etc. However, despite abuse being so common, an “epidemic” if you will, there is not a great deal of knowledge out there of what it’s like, what does and does not help, and what people can do. Why?

Various reasons, I guess. Personally, I’m scared of being judged. The years of being told how hated and worthless I am don’t just vanish overnight, and until recently most people have known me as just…well, me. But without the abuse in my past. What if suddenly they don’t see me anymore? What if they shy away? What if they call me a liar? Etc etc. I’ve battled with this for months, until today, really…when the thought occurred to me (quite an extensive piece of inspirational literature…ahem….clears throat):

“IF THEY DON’T LIKE ME, THEN F**K THEM.”

And suddenly I had a real voice again. So, if you don’t want to, don’t read. You don’t need to search this blog. I don’t care if you judge me or think me to be a liar. The more important thing is that there may be people out there who need to see survivors standing strong and speaking out. It is for those people that I am writing this blog.

So…dear little abuse robot chum bouncing on my desk, you quiet yet? I’m not writing this to whinge about my life. I’m writing this just in case it provides any source of hope, comfort, amusement, information or just procrastination for any person out there.

And so…let the ramblings begin…

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