My mind amazes me, scares me, intimidates me, saves me, and destroys me. It’s quite a multi-tasking machine.
Last night I had a very vivid and upsetting nightmare. For whatever reason I’d decided to get back with my abuse ex-girlfriend. My friends were quite concerned, and one of my close friends tried talking to me. I was extremely angry, screamed “I hate you!” at my friend and threw my phone at her, leaving her stunned and in tears and me running off in a state. My darling abusive partner found me, kidnapped me and I spent the rest of my life lonely and in pain.
Why the hell did I need this dream? I’ve had to stop myself from texting this friend to say ‘I don’t hate you!’ – the temptation was so great I’ve actually deleted her number. I’ve been very paranoid lately that everyone I trust actually hates me and is actually plotting some way to completely destroy me (hardly surprising considering that’s precisely what my ex girlfriend, whom I loved and trusted, did to me).
But for me to hate them? Never. Perhaps it was my mind trying to show me how absurd it is the idea that my friends hate me, and how much upset it causes generally, and that by me withdrawing from them to ‘help them’ because I’m a ‘burden’ could lead to far worse outcomes. Perhaps it’s some random lost feelings that I do still love my ex, somewhere, and I’m desperate to find something in her that’s good and that it was all just a terrible mistake.
I don’t know. I just really didn’t like it. Thankfully I am staying at a friend’s, and woke up to a genuine smile.
Mad, what the mind does, isn’t it? Sometimes mine feels possessed. Like on a bad day when I hallucinate the abusers’ chasing me, or trapping me, and taunting me and commanding that I should kill myself. Exactly what use is this, oh great mind? But then, my mind developed multi-personality, or disocciative identity disorder, specifically to keep me alive and ‘sane.’ Inside me there’s a 6 year old, and a middle-aged woman, and a slightly frightening woman aged 60. These are my three most dominant alter-personalities, but there are others. Sometimes if I can’t express how I’m feeling, they do so for me, and they all took percentages of the hurt and pain so that it was never unbearable for too long. We are separate people, and we helped each other survive. This is where the mind can be very powerful and incredible, so for any survivors out there, your mind is powerful too. Perhaps you didn’t develop DID, but you have survived…and for that your mind must have been amazing, and your mind is part of you…so you are amazing too…
A couple of strangers have emailed me since I started this blog, and they’e given me permission to briefly discuss their emails. One has no memories, but ‘knows’ she was abused, and has extremely vivid and frightening nightmares, and simply passes out if anyone invades her personal space. Certain words cause her to break into a nervous sweat, or have a panic attack. One thing she has noticed, however, is that whenever she gets scared of anxious, she’s suddenly far quicker at being able to plot escape routes. Her mind goes into auto-escape-pilot mode, and it’s quite incredible. However, she is understandably very nervous about what will happen when she starts remembering, and if she’ll be able to cope. I’ll never lie to anyone; as much as it’s nicer to hear ‘ah you’ll be completely fine, it’s hardly anything, you’ll be okay within a couple of days,’ that’s not honest of me. I also cannot tell anyone how they will cope, or what their recovery will be like. I can only offer my own experiences, and what I found useful, and honestly explain that although at times it feels like th emost excrutiating form of emotional pain possible, there really definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel. Plus you learn more about yourself, about what you’re capable of, and what your mind does to protect you.
So I can say this: trust and believe in yourself, talk to professionals and friends and accept love, support and care…respect your boundaries and the boundaries of those around you….and you will be okay. It’s like jumping through the fire to get to the calm safer side, where reality lies. A helpline person once told me that it’s like we’re pheonixes; the pheonix must burn to emerge.
So yes the mind. Sometimes mine feels possessed. Sometimes it terrifies or upsets me. I’m not really happy with it after the night it gave me. However, it’s kept me alive, provided me different methods with which to cope, and has provided instincts that turn me into some kind of superhuman (see previous post on flashbacks – fight or flight kicks in and I’m suddenly STRONG).
So should I hate or love my mind? If I hate my mind, then I am hating myself – my mind is not separate to me. If I love my mind, I am loving myself…and forgiving it/myself of silly mistakes.
So I choose to love my mind, and to love and forgive myself.
Love yours too…even if it feels possessed from time to time. Sometimes the mind gets scared and lonely too…