4am this morning: staring out of the window and watching the stars. It was a generally beautiful night, not too cloudy, and the stars were pretty clear. I do this when I’m feeling sad; not sad about the abuse itself, but about those I lost, and who’ve been lost. All innocent children, babies, premature babies… I once told some children that there was a man on the moon. They asked if they’d get to meet him when they were “asleep.” It was heartbreaking to hear but gave them a bit of hope I think. So when it’s a clear night I watch the moon and the stars and wonder if they ever found the man on the moon…
Sorry slightly miserable post. It’s not meant to be; more peaceful and a little sad I guess. But there’s lots of children and babies bouncing around up there from all over the world and I think that’s kinda sweet.
Last night was a night of extremes. I was busy like a whirlwind all day, but with comfortable business and a lot of music. I was rehearsing with the band I’m in for a few hours. I’m new to the band, but absolutely love it: we all gel together amazingly and the music sounds fab (cheeky plug: gig this Thursday, okay??) Then I was rehearsing with the choir I’m in (change much). I was generally in a high mood, and everyone seemed relaxed and cheerful. A huge group of us went out to the pub after and we laughed continuously 🙂 It was really lovely and a great night out.
But of course, nothing great lasts forever. Whether it was because I’d just over-exhausted myself (I keep getting nagged that barely a month ago I was so ill I could hardly move and now I’m running around like a mad-man and working through the night to make up for it when apparently I should be taking it easy. Blah）or whether it was because of some dodgy men in the pub whom I recognised and who recognised me, I don’t know. But on leaving, I fell into a flashback.
As the therapist warned me, it was more focussed on the emotions. I needed the information but it’s taking me a great deal more time to feel okay again. It was a memory about losing a baby. It felt like a long time since I’d cried quite so hard…seems silly really, but the trauma and grief hit me all over again. My friends as ever were absolute stars, taking it turns to hug me, and then the friend I’m staying with calmed me down and has been making me laugh all day. Yes I woke up at 4am but not to go anywhere; just to sit, watch the stars and think quietly.
But then I saw the news about the Oklahoma tornado, and I felt so sad. I’d got lost in my own pain and forgotten the world carries on. I read one account of a father who’d ran to his step-son’s school and just watch it get torn to pieces. Cannot imagine what that must have been like. Emotional agony I would guess. The death toll is high and still increasing, and so many people, including children, are still missing.
Life is so short; sometimes we just don’t get to say goodbye. So I’m not going to feel sad for myself today. If anyone who’s lost someone they love, especially if you didn’t get chance to say goodbye but life dealt you a cruel card, watch the stars at night-time. They’re up there, dancing, and shining onto us.
Prayers and loving thoughts to all those affected by the Oklahoma tornado, and to everyone else around the world who’ve lost someone they love.
There’s always hope though, even in the worst situation: I just watched a video in Oklahoma and this elderly woman was describing how she was inside her house when the tornado hit. Her house was now a pile of rubble, and she was very sad that her dog was probably dead inside it. Suddenly one of the news reporters spotted a dog trapped in the rubble, and whilst this woman was being interviewed, her beloved dog was pulled out – alive. Her happiness and relief was beautiful.