People ask me sometimes what post-abuse is like, or indeed generally what my life is like. There is only one word: rollercoaster. It’s never all-bad, but never all-good either, and I think the real trick is trying not to see life in black-and-white, because it simply won’t work.
An average day can start with waking up happy, working, flashbacking, crying, rehearsing, laughing, eating etc… or can be wake up feeling crap, cry most of the day, snap at anyone who dares even breathe out of turn, flashback until you genuinely feel you’re body is a ragdoll, and have a night full of nightmares. OR you can have a day of simply laughter and calmness. These days generally “stress” me the most though. Okay maybe stress is the wrong word, but I’m simply still not used to the idea that there are pure and safe days that actually last 24 hours. So towards the end of these good days I do get tense, but I am getting better with this…
Some expect me to always be a mess because they can only see the black. Others can’t understand why I would be a mess: the abuse is in the past; they can only see the white. The answer to understanding anybody is to see the world in the reality that it is: a spectrum between black and white. Even on my worst days, there’ll be something that’ll make me smile, even if just slightly.
Rollercoasters are kinda exhausting, though. If you think about any rollercoaster, you feel yourself climbing but the higher you get the more nervous you become – you know there’s a very sudden and fast drop right up ahead. The thing you don’t know is how severe the drop will be, and how long it’ll be until you start climbing again. Constant adrenaline and apprehension = exhausting.
But, nonetheless, interesting. All bad days would be unbearable, and all good days would be simply too good to be true and probably very boring.
So my rollercoaster today? Waking up at some ungodly hour to set up for something which was later cancelled. Having a nosebleed. Seeing friends, having a cup of tea. Opening my email inbox and feeling part of my soul die inside and deciding the world clearly doesn’t sleep and CLEARLY thinks I’ll answer at 4.30am. Hearing some slightly sad news about a friend, but then seeing this later resolved. Having a laugh in the office. More cup of tea. Mild memory emotional issue. Phonecall meeting (always the worst kind – very confusing). Going for lunch, sitting in the freezing cold just to prove the bar-tender wrong, watching the swans and pigeon with mild unease… watching children chasing the pigeon and feeling very amused. Eating my life’s supply of calories in a venison burger (nice) and lots of chips. Discovering a bottle of cider that simply did not run out (hell yeah). Walking around, glancing at a few dresses, having a long discussion with a friend with the lovely outcome that we are now girlfriends 🙂 FREEZING cold so running back to campus, more cups of tea, playing on the piano, singing with now girlfriend, laughing with a group of friends, deciding food was a priority and going to a chinese restaurant place where it was again proved that I am more than useless with chopsticks, and so I proudly used my knife and fork feeling very patriotic ;-) mostly very light and humourous conversations, although did become quite deep and sad, but walking home lifted moods again and I’m now beyond exhausted. Tomorrow is rehearsal rehearsal rehearsal, sunday I record part of my album, Monday there is a gig. Tonight will be more nightmares, and at some point there’ll probably be more tears. But hey…look at the highs in that list. The lows are pretty rubbish when they hit…but don’t focus on just the black, and you’ll see that in the special kinda rollercoaster there’s a lot of highs too…
I’m neither stuck nor flying. And I wouldn’t want to be. A grey life is good enough for me 😉