What a day… emotions all over the place but there was very special event in the middle, and the rest of the afternoon spent in the sun with friends.
The start of the day felt horrendous. I woke up from nightmares, and felt overwhelmed by grief and was generally irritable and cold to anyone who came near me. I was in rehearsals all morning – or, more specifically, I was supposed to be in rehearsals but did not take part. I made zero attempt to make myself feel better and generally was being unhelpful and moody.
However, I did “wake up” fairly soon when it came to the gig (we were performing at midday). The sun was shining and the stage was outdoors, and I gradually felt the grief wearing off to a more manageable level.
The gig was with our choir, and the last of a series of three. In each I have performed my song, which is about overcoming abuse, and a semi-chorus sings with me; the main line being “be free and let you love yourself.” The first time I performed it I was so terrified of being judged, the second time I was terrified that I couldn’t hear the keyboard….but this time I didn’t feel so scared (probably because I got it wrong immediately so just gave up with being nervous!)
But anyway, not being scared meant I actually paid attention to everything/everyone around me. I saw the semi-chorus singing, with a lot of passion and feeling, and saw people in the audience smiling or crying. I never want to make people cry but they were smiling as well so I guess that’s good tears? Anyway…I was incredibly moved. The audience were complete strangers, and a few came over at the end… one lady asked if she could shake my hand and thank me…she was crying. I always feel a bit stupid because I can never think of anything to say so I just mumble “thank you” and stand there awkwardly. I struggle to see why I should be thanked. I’m just singing… but the song seems to affect people more than I’d ever expected.
What hit me the most was the support. I guess I’m still too used to looking around and seeing eyes full of hatred and anger ready to hurt me. I guess I was expecting to look around and see the audience glaring at me with an expression of disgust. To see smiles of sympathy and support, and my friends singing so passionately… it just hit me I guess that I’m not on my own. This morning I really felt on my own. Grief is an exceptionally lonely feeling. But I’m no longer in a world where everyone hates me, as today showed me, properly….and that was very moving and I felt quite emotional afterwards. It was very special.
Afterwards we went to the riverside and played on boats. I got sunburnt (of course) and had a good time with my friends. The grief was still there, and still as raw…but the performance just helped me realise I don’t need to stay in the past anymore…because I’m not in that world.
I saw an awesome quote written on the ground earlier…I can’t remember it all but the important bit that stuck with me was this: “So that I am still current…but then, what current is still anyway?”
It’s true. Sometimes the current is too strong and we can’t control where we go, but we’re always moving somewhere. We’re never stuck in all pain, or in all happiness. There’s always something coming up…