End of term…

...Funny how the end of term is supposed to be a time of relief, and of relaxation….but actually everyone walks around with colds and headaches, and needing about 3 weeks of non-stop sleep.

Mentally…the same thing can happen. People who seemed to breeze through exams suddenly become exceptionally stressed…despite there being nothing stressful taking place. The last three days I’ve been nothing short of a wreck, and for no apparent reason except I’m randomly flashbacking more and crying like a faulty tap. (However, there have been lots of giggly happy moments too, and lots of writing taking place!)

I saw my doctor this morning like “I’m going crazy. There’s nothing wrong and I’m a mess. The last few weeks I’ve managed to juggle so much, why now am I mess?”

Her response was quite obvious, but useful: “Err…first, there is something wrong: you’re recovering from abuse and just like having the flu, there are bad days and okay days. Secondly…you’ve not let yourself even half-think about stuff whilst you’ve had concerts. Of course it’s hitting you now that you’ve got less to juggle…”

Oh duh! All through concert season I’ve been like “must not crash must not crash must not crash” because I hated the idea of letting so many people down. Now the bottle is opening and there doesn’t seem to be an “off” switch. She told me I’m not a wreck…I’m human, and everyone is crashing for different reasons, because the term has ended.

Well damn you end of term. However…LONG summer holiday ahead. Wooop!

My friend quite a long way from here is due to have a baby girl in a few days, and I’m so happy for her ๐Ÿ™‚ so that shows one thing: end of term, start of something new… I wish I could be there but it really is very far away…like a few thousand miles.

It’s made me think about my own babies a bit though. Not overwhelming grief, just thinking… if I drift off enough I can smell the nweborn downy hair smell…and feel my own little girl wriggling in my arms. These type of memories are bittersweet; painful, but beautiful. I drew a picture… (attached).

It’s a strange world we live in. Beautiful in the most painful way, but always balancing itself out…even when we don’t feel it. So I’ll just ride this crash out and look foward to when I’m feeling more stable again ๐Ÿ™‚ Where there’s a dip in the rollercoaster…it’s bound to be followed by a climb…

J

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