Sometimes….I realise that what I thought was crazy, was actually calm. I’d actually been inside the eye of the storm; watching the chaos around me but being able to remain calm, and steady. Not quite standing firmly on the safe ground, but nonetheless…calm.
Other times…I feel like I’ve slipped, for whatever reason, and suddenly I’m inside the chaos. My life is a tornado. And when I’m inside it, I feel so out of control…I feel myself freak out, even if there’s little reason to do so from the perspective of the outside world. They haven’t felt me slip. They can’t see where the line is between frightening chaos and a false calmness. In actual fact, which is worse? Being aware of the chaotic reality, no matter how terrifying it is… or living in a calmness which is only fake, and traps you; you step slightly too much in one direction and you’re lost in the chaos again.
So, how to stay in the calmness? Control, of course. Control everything perfectly. Keep control. Plan for every possible situation, and control that too. That way, you’re not stepping too far in either direction…but you’re ensuring your safety in the fake calmness.
But what about when the storm moves of its own accord? When the wind picks up speed and the tornado moves course, but you were busy tying your shoelaces…or looking in the opposite direction. You never see the change coming. You never see the storm creeping up on you. Suddenly you feel your feet shaking under the wind, and then you slip.
You’re lost. The control is gone. You’re inside the tornado.
First feeling? PANIC. Absolute blind and irrational panic. The eye of the storm was literally my “eye.” I was safe. There is no good from being in the storm. There can be no positive outcome. You’re being tossed around in absolute chaos, the wind so fast that you can’t breathe. You can’t breathe. You can’t breathe. You need to breathe; you can feel your chest pounding for air. This intense pain building up. OXYGEN PLEASE. But it’s no use. The chaos is too extreme; the wind’s too powerful. It sucks the air out of you. You try to take a breath but as quickly as you breathe in, the air is sucked out. Surely, that means you’re going to die. If you can’t breathe, then you’re going to die. But how slow is this death? How long do you need to be tossed around in chaos? You can *see* the eye…you can see where the control is. But how on earth do you get there? Panic panic panic.
Second feeling? BLAME. It can’t be my fault. I was so *perfect* with how I controlled everything, how can it possibly be my fault that now I’m trapped in out-of-control chaos? It must be the storm’s fault. It sneaked up on you. It was cruel. It watched you in your perfect little control bubble, waited until your back was turned, and then attacked you from behind. It couldn’t even look you in the eye whilst it takes you victim. A cowardly storm. But then the blame shifts. It was my fault, surely, for needing such control in the first place…that I got myself trapped in the middle of chaos…living in fake calmness?
Third feeling? DESPAIR. I can’t escape from this. It’s too fast. Too powerful. It deteriorates too quickly. I can’t even see which way is up anymore. I can’t even see the eye sometimes. I’m going to die from some form of slow suffocation, and nobody will even know that I’m in here. They’ll be looking for me in the eye. They don’t know I was kidnapped. I try to scream. It’s taken away by the wind. I’m just a ragdoll to this storm. It mocks me. I have no control. I’m so out of control. It’s terrifying me. What can I do? Precisely nothing. Wait until the storm ends. And then what? Will it end so quickly that I fall to the floor from several hundred feet; I fall so quickly I can never catch myself…and smack so hard onto the barren floor that I don’t stand a chance? Or will the storm cease gently, and gently take me down to the floor. A deterioration, granted, but one in which I stand a chance of surviving. Or will the storm end whilst hovering over a ladder. I am falling, but I can grab the ladder. The storm can crash to the floor. I will climb the ladder. I doubt this will happen; what’s the chances of a ladder appearing underneath a storm? No…I’m going to fall – hard – and crash. I have nothing left. Without control, I am nothing.
Sometimes I find myself back in the eye. I see something that I can grab onto, a piece of control I can cling onto…and then I’m back in the eye.
Sometimes I don’t find myself back in the eye. Sometimes the ground hits me. And it’s too painful to sit back up.
I have not yet reached the point where I don’t have the tornado at all. I’m either in the eye, a fake calmness…which is only calm because every angle of my life is controlled to a ridiculous amount (so is unhealthy anyway)…. or I’m in the storm. Or I’m on the floor.
I can’t wait until there’s just no tornado. I don’t know if this will ever happen though.