Well, it was going to come sooner or later. It has been a while since a proper “bad day” rather than a bad “moment.” I was hesitant to write on here, filled with this sudden “oh but I need to keep showing the world I’m strong and abuse victims aren’t just broken people and that I keep smiling.”
But then I also need to show the world the damage that comes from abuse, and that part of being strong is being able to say “I’m really struggling.” Also so other victims see it’s okay to say if they’re having a bad day.
So there it is. My announcement at the beginning of this week: today is hell. I’m not entirely sure why today – trying to think about whether it’s an anniversary and the answer is probably. Summer holidays meant a lot more time to be in the ring and being abused…
But yeah. Just came out of flashback number 7. Feeling very shaky and tearful, but safe in my own company and actually grateful nobody is around. Having moments of “why me? Why did I have to go through all of that? What did I do?” and “I hate my life” followed by a bigger flood of tears. Keep finding myself huddled in the corner, rocking and crying to the point of near screaming, and actually for a moment thought “shit, do I need to go back to the ward?”
Answer: no. I’d forgotten that crying is completely healthy, it’s if it becomes suicidal that there’s a problem. I mean, I constantly have suicidal thoughts and feelings, every moment of the day. I often will see something and think “oh, you’d make a very useful object. It’d be quick if I used you.” And after each argument with a friend, or each fit of tears, or each flashback or nightmare I will always think “why am I bothering?” In truth I’m too tired to go so far as making plans. Thoughts and feelings are where they remain, and I’m in control of that.
The problem is I have an important meeting tonight I need to be together for, so I’m just hoping my head finishes it’s explosion before then. Crying is painful, it’s like the emotion builds up in every muscle, causes hideous cramps and then leaks out through my eyes. My eyes are now puffy, my throat raw from loud out-of-control sobs, and my body feels like it’s been beaten to a pulp. I just feel so extremely sad for everything that’s happened, and hurt by it all, and robbed: I’ll never have a childhood and I’ll never have my teenage years. I’ll never have a normal relationship with my family. I’ll never have my babies back and I’ll never have the chance to have made it all better sooner. So much robbed from me, and under so much extreme pain and trauma…and today is just one of those days where it hits me more…
Very wobbly and feeling very little right now… the tears just won’t stop. I guess this is good, in some sense.
Why was my life like that? 😥 Why couldn’t I have had a normal life? 😥