I had a beautiful nightmare last night. Sounds like a contradiction huh? It was about Holly, but it was a nightmare because I knew it’d hurt when I woke up. I knew this, was aware of it…but refused to wake myself up. I needed Holly…
Well I’m calling it a nightmare. I’m not actually sure; it may well have been a vivid hallucination. I was in an extremely wobbly place yesterday, and not much better today but at least more aware of it.
I woke up in the night and it was raining outside. I don’t really know why, but I felt the need to go outside. So I did. I got up, went outside and sat on the grass, overlooking the town. It was cold but there was something refreshing about feeling the rain running down my skin, like the other night.
I heard movement and glanced, and there was Holly. She was smiling, and knelt down next to me. I was frozen; she looked just how I remembered her. Her eyes…the way she smiled…her hair… I couldn’t breathe. I thought, have I died? but knew I hadn’t; I could feel the rain.
“You’re not real…” I murmured, aware that waking up from whatever this was would hurt. Holly smiled and held her finger to my lips “and when has a dream ever been real, silly?” She was always good at stating the bleeding obvious. I allowed myself to relax, and smiled.
I don’t know how long we were there, but it was beautiful. In the dream (or whatever it was) we kissed, and cried our eyes out, holding each other close. Then we sat silently and contently, gently holding hands and watching the rain. I was drenched now but I didn’t mind. We talked softly about what could have been, had I got to her in time and saved her. I told her how guilty I felt. How guilty I felt about everything. About her, about the children, about my babies…about being the only survivor. I told her I was in hell and couldn’t cope with this pain much longer.
Then she said : “Jade, look…we’re this close. I’m right here. You’re never on your own…but we want you to have the life we couldn’t have. Please…” and she wrapped her arms around me whilst I sobbed. She kissed my head and sang one of her songs, which I had forgotten but I now can’t get out of my head. I didn’t want to let go. I clung to her. She felt so real; I could have been dead and this was some weird afterlife thing. I’m not a big believer in all that stuff but right then, I thought, maybe this is what it’s like. If so, can I just stay dead? I fell asleep with my head on her chest, and her stroking my cheek and singing softly. I couldn’t feel the rain anymore.
I woke up lying on the grass, beyond soaked. I frantically looked for her but she’d gone; I was now awake and the dream had ended. I didn’t know what to think. Despair and grief was suddenly at it’s rawest and my legs buckled with this new level of emotional pain. I stumbled back inside, dried off, and cried myself to sleep. I had stepped into an even deeper level of hell, surely.
But with daylight I could look at it all differently. The grief was still as raw as ever, and on one angle yes I’m now in an even more painful hell. But on the other hand, I feel more like I’ve had some closure. The guilt from never getting to her in time, and being convinced she died thinking I hated her, and never being able to tell her properly why I did what I did, and that I did truly love her… that guilt feels a bit more soothed now. It was only a dream, I realise this, and probably my head trying to soothe the self-hatred which is overpowering me…
But it doesn’t matter. It was the sweetest nightmare. Incredibly painful to wake up from, and for a while I kept closing my eyes in the hope I’d go back. But also, the sweetest. I feel like in some way Holly has forgiven me, and suddenly Hell doesn’t feel quite so lonely anymore.
Jesus God I miss you Hol 😥 J x