So I bumped into an abuser today…

My ex bumped into me earlier. Or rather, I was standing by the cathedral waiting to meet a friend, when my ex’s house mate appeared in front of me. He seemed all cheery and happy “I almost didn’t recognise you!!” and then said “I’m not alone….”

Ah.

“She wants to know if she could talk to you.”
I hesitated. Why the politeness? Never before has this been the case. But her housemate would be a witness, and looked pretty desperate. I’d be meeting a friend in just over 5 minutes. Nothing terrible could happen… reluctantly, I nodded.

My ex appeared moments later. I felt my throat fill with pain and my muscles tensed, and a tight knot appeared in my stomach. I glanced back at her housemate desperately; suddenly I didn’t want to do this and I was backed against a CATHEDRAL. Not even backed against a wall. My back was touching this great big whopping cathedral. I wasn’t sure if screaming “SACNTUARY” would help, frankly.

“I didn’t do those things” she started. Liar. LIAR. That’s why me and my friend flashback, obviously. That’s why I have nightmares. Aghhh. “I know you said that I did to protect me. I knew you’d protect me from getting raped and this is how; I’ve spoken to the angels.”

I’m sorry, what? I was stunned at her new, fresh tactic. No longer was I being asked to stay quiet, I was now being thanked for talking…because it protected her from being raped?! I didn’t know how to respond. She carried on, “however I just wish you’d remember it properly. They’ve ruined your memories.”

No. No you ruined my life. You abused me and my friend. Angels did not fuck with this.

“Please look me in the eye…” she said. I didn’t dare. I knew she could convey any message through eyesight and I was fighting hard just to stay on the planet as it was. “Please Jade…” god she sounded so desperate. I glanced up for a fraction of a second. Didn’t like the message in her eyes. I stared back at the floor and further tensed up, bit my tongue to stop me throwing up. She stepped a bit closer. I inhaled sharply and her housemate stepped a tiny bit closer, at which she backed off. Thank you… I thought silently towards him.

She then told me she’s leaving, anyway. I didn’t know what I felt at that point. Why was she telling me this? Why was she behaving like this? Was it all an act for her housemate, who’s very spiritual? Was it her trying to convince him it was angels who’d bewitched me into thinking all of the abuse happened, and that she was innocent? I felt relief at her words, but also felt wary. Is this true, or is this to try and make me drop my guard?

Suddenly I felt furious. The last 8 months hit me and I just wanted to scream at her for everything that she’s done, and for the impact it has had. I just wanted to scream and cry and shake her whilst I was in a situation that was safe enough to do so. But I didn’t. I remained rigidly still and stared at the floor, my head all over the place. I have objective facts. I know what she did was real. And yet her words still sent my head toppling; maybe she had loved me. Maybe. I so desperately wanted to believe this and believe her words. But I knew the truth. Angels and spirits had not bewitched me in order to protect her from being raped. It was frankly, ridiculous.

She turned to leave. Her housemate glanced at me, with a concerned and warm expression, and mouthed “take care, okay?” I nodded at him, and smiled shakily. Then they were gone.

How did I feel? I wasn’t sure. Suddenly it hit me she’d been inches from me, and suddenly the fear tore through me and I had to breathe hard to stay in control. I felt close to having a flashback but used some of the coping strategies to try and keep me grounded and here. I didn’t want to re-live her hurting me, not right there in front of the cathedral. I felt angry at her words, angry at her attempts to mindfuck me, and brutally sad for everything that had happened. I watched their backs as they left and thought, do you care?

I wrapped my arms around myself to provide some comfort, and focussed on my breathing, and resisted the urge to just burst into a flood of tears and run home. I would not break here.

I wonder why she passes all of the blame and responsibility onto “angels.” I wonder if it’s because that means she’s no longer at fault. It means she can sleep at night, happy that what she did was “angels work.” Maybe it’s to get her housemate on side. I simply have no idea. The whole event this afternoon was odd and a clear act, and freaked me out substantially.

But I came away from it okay, intact, and not in pieces. And had a lovely afternoon with friends.

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