Cutting off my entire family, for good.

I am planning on completely cutting the ties with every adult member of my family; I can’t afford the mental energy or risk to my safety anymore by providing them yet another chance. And I have been hurt, again. I can’t step into the next stage of recovery or fully integrate myself into this world whilst their grasp is still hideously tight. The NSPCC are going to train me to become a public speaker. As frightened as I am, I am also keen to do anything which may save even one person. But I cannot stand in front of an audience and speak out whilst I am still being controlled by my family. Its now a case of me either letting this continue and potentially not help others be freed…or rescue others using my voice, whilst being protected. The decision is simple…

I do, however, have majorly conflicting emotions concerning losing my entire family. I dream at night of them screaming for me and me turning my back. I am plagued by guilt. I still feel it’s my duty to help them; that if I don’t then the badness inside me will take over. I know they’ve been damaged beyond imagination. I hate that. But I also know they have the ability to ask for help but refuse anyone’s help except my own. My father refuses to see a doctor even simply about his low moods. I cannot continue to help him, when in truth he isn’t yet wanting help himself.

I feel a tremendous sense of grief, too. Not for losing them as such, but for losing the potential. For losing the parents inside them ; particularly with with my step-mother. For losing the tiny fragments of a relationship that had I recognised sooner, could have been rescued. I mourn for the future I will be family-less from. Despite the fact they’ve done practically nothing to help me, the idea of them being gone brings with it a sense of extreme aloneness. I guess that yes…the abuse was hideous, but their attention has been constant. Very frightening and dangerous, but constant…and part of me had accepted that this was simply the only constant attentive relationship I could have with my parents, but that it was better than nothing. I now realise that safety-wise, nothing is better. But I will certainly feel quite lost initially…

With it, also, comes the realisation of what safety is and my decision to step nearer. Good? I guess so…but part of my reluctance so far has been because in recognising safety, I am truly acknowledging how fucked up my childhood was. The kind of pain that will result frankly terrifies me. I don’t know if I’m equipped to cope with that. I’ll just have to see…

So yes. I realise the decision should look simple and easy from an outside view. I am very aware that my parents are criminal and dangerous. But they are still my parents, and I just didn’t give up hoping that I’d have a “real mummy and daddy” one day; that one day they’d love me and want me safe. I now realise any kind of progress from my father especially was a deliberate method of disarming me so that his next manipulative attack felt even more vicious and oppressive. He’s simply a replica of his mother, but twenty years younger. There’s nothing more I can do. In doing this I am seeing my hope was wasted and I’m being forced to see the cost of that hope. Its extremely hard…

I realise I’ll be safer, and one day maybe I’ll be proud that I took the step to safety. But currently I am just very sad and about to close a door that has so far defined my life, has been my life and a large part of who I am. My sense of identity is already faltering. Its scary. Safer, yes, as when a fire stops burning the forest its safer…but what’s left is unrecognisable and I just don’t know where to begin on my own…

I can only hope that they will escape one day.
I will turn my back on that place fully and properly, and open the next door and see what lies ahead. I already feel vulnerable and wary of this, so please forgive me if I seem to need more hand-holding than usual, and don’t respond to freedom as people would expect.

Enough is enough. I have just sent my parents a text which will for sure result in a huge row. I just need to stand my ground and free myself from them. And then nervously step into the next chapter of my life. J x

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Cutting off my entire family, for good.

  1. I had to do the same thing. The only way to be sane is to get out of the crazy system. There is no way to interact with craziness that isn’t also crazy.

    I have found it easiest not to respond at all to anything. Letters and packages are tossed. Voicemails are deleted without being listened to. Their emails are set to go to my spam folder so that I won’t be tempted to read them. If I read or listen to what they have to say, the same emotional processes and thoughts are triggered in me, and what I need is safety inside as well as outside–without a sense that my head is a dangerous, unpredictable, out of control place.

    There is also no need to row with them over this. You’ve let them know. What they feel and think about it is theirs to deal with now. You don’t need their permission to take this step and they don’t need to like this or agree that it’s the best thing for you.

    I would expect you might initially feel much more afraid, as you expect to be punished for deserting them. Hang in there, and you’ll gradually start to feel better. It really is an important step in taking down the mental prison that is left behind by the abuse

    Incidentally, there is no badness in you. The badness exists only in someone else’s imagination.

    Take care. My hand is here to hold.

    • Wow…thank you for this… I hadn’t thought about the idea that you can’t be sane if locked in a crazy system…
      Yes I think that’s what I’m scared of really. Being alone but also there’s this younger part of me beyond terrified that I’ll have to go through some hideous punishment as a result of asserting myself. I hope this expectation is proved wrong…
      Thank for for reminding me that I no longer need their permission… thank you for believing in me..
      J x

  2. Gosh yes, just a year ago I was contemplating the exact same thing. Less than 12 months ago I actually did it and it was the bravest thing I have probably ever done. But also, it is the best thing I have ever done. I didn’t think it would be as beneficial as it has been. Obviously it was hard to begin with, the first christmas, the first birthdays and so on, but ultimately my life is a better life for not having them in it. I am no longer hoping and waiting for them to change because I have finally admitted to myself that they never will. Yes, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here and I am here if you want to talk about anything by email xx

    • Hey…thank you so much for this, so so so good to hear that you’re okay and it was for the better…I do feel really quite scared that I’ll suddenly be on my own… so glad you were brave enough 🙂 x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s