I’m in shock…

I hate this. I hate feeling in shock and not really knowing what about. I’ve felt it all day. I can’t concentrate on anything. I sat at a computer and did nothing. I sat at a piano and couldn’t even seem to remember how to form chords. I picked through a magazine (normally a good distraction) and couldn’t even concentrate on reading utter crap. I just feel dazed and reeling from something but not really knowing what. I keep having moments of violent shaking and almost-panicking, or shaking but with no feelings except numbness. Absolute mind-block. Total shock.

When I get like this I often think what can you possibly be shocked about? I am under the illusion that because I’ve had a few days over the last year of suddenly feeling shocked about my past, that will therefore be the end of it. Then I remember I never felt in shock at the time, so have 20 years of shock built up, and sometimes…like today…it just wipes me out.

I’ve been trying to force myself to smile or laugh or feel anything but I’m just frozen. I’m in absolute daze-dom. I keep having moments of my God…so many children… so I guess that’s what the current day of shock is about. Shell-shock about the level of brutality which took place in the ring and the number of children hideously tortured. There’s nobody here who can offer me words or advice about how you cope with this because I’m yet to meet anyone (thankfully) here who can empathise with ritual abuse. This I have no issues with – it means they were spared. However, it does leave me pretty stuck on days like this. Hearing cliches, which is possible, would just get my back up.

Shell-shock. I hate it. I hate this level of not being able to function but not due to pain but simply due to mind-freeze. My mind has simply gone “Can’t do today. It’s suddenly hit me there were a lot of children in there. I need time to process this.”

Completely reasonable. But has left my body going “hmm. So what do we do in the meantime? No brain to tell us what to do. Okay. Erm. Not really sure about this. Breathe, pump heart, keep organs ticking. Can do that. Piano?? Reading?? Work?? Sorry. We need the brain and it’s currently on annual leave.”

So my body is in vegetable mode, my mind consciously feels empty but is actually in hyper-drive. Shock about the children will inevitably mean more grief will follow, at some point in the next few days. So I’m bracing myself for that.

But really. So many children. And it’s just catching me, now. I’m in shock about it, now. I feel like if I close my eyes it’ll all be a nightmare. I glance at the time and realise only a few minutes have passed, when I could have been sat for hours or days, and not known. Everything feels frozen, and yet everything is moving faster than I can keep up. I almost feel sick with the bizarre mental motion-sickness sensation coming from absolute shock.

It’s not that I’m questioning what happened or in denial. It’s past that. But now I’m not questioning it or trying to deny it, I’m in the shock stage. So I’m just left, wordless and stunned, as it hits me. I’m sure that if I look down, I’ll find my body in pieces and I won’t have felt it. I cut my leg earlier, and only noticed when I saw blood. No pain. Absolute numbness.

I’m numbly consciously thinking “you need to eat…you need to drink…you need to walk…you need to breathe…” over and over again. Numbly going through the processes to make it seem like I’m functioning. But in truth I’m not. I’m on robot mode, and all it would take is for someone to stand in front of me whilst I’m on my way to do something, and I’d stop. Because I can’t actually at this moment in time work a way around an obstacle. That requires a more coherent side to my brain.

So instead I’m just rambling my conscious stream on here. Not sure if it makes sense. But it’s helping. Giving me something to do whilst the next wave of shock washes over me.

I just have no words. So many innocent children…all I can hear are their screams. I feel like it was all only yesterday and I’ve just woken up in a different world but my head’s still stuck there, and so everything’s all confusing and I’m clumsy and lost, and practically emotion-less except feeling stunned and very tired. The shock is exhausting. So many children…

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7 thoughts on “I’m in shock…

  1. focus on the positive energy your body can produce and spread it, just because you are aware of horror doesn’t automatically mean you can’t control it, you are in control, positive energy comes from inside you not from your external experiences, go forth and spread it like you have wings ❤

  2. You may also be remembering being shocked by the brutality of what you experienced and witness. It was absolutely minding-blockingly shocking, even if it was frequent enough to seeml, it is somehow just intrinsically unfathomable.

    Also, I don’t know what the rest of your life was like, but I went to ordinary public schools, went to the grocery store with my mom, saw other families and other children squabbling and talking and caring for one another–average things. And then I came home and people did horrific things to one another and to me.

    One example of this I remember most clearly was being shown a video about “safe touch” in 2nd grade. A little girl is actually depicted being inappropriately touched by her step-dad. She reacts loudly and assertively and runs away. When her mom comes home, she tells her mom, and her mother actually believes her and her step-dad is hauled off to jail or something like that. It really was like “none of this computes.” My home-life and the rest of the world can’t really possibly exist on the same planet. It’s just really not possible. But they did and it is.

    • You are so right…the scale is what’s knocking me sideways at the moment. Just the sheer magnitude of what happened, the hundreds of children, the number of abusers…the years it went on for…I’m just reeling…. and yes, I too had to do the split-world childhood thing, can empathise with that. Hadn’t thought about it but thank you for pointing out that could be a possible reason…
      “none of this computes” – SO know that feeling. I remember thinking I lived in a different planet entirely, and was an imaginary friend for those I knew at school…or that school indeed was my dreams when I fell asleep…
      x

  3. I just want to add how grateful I am that you articulated this. That sense of ongoing shock is something I remember feeling and couldn’t articulate to anyone. There was also a feeling of given what people are really capable of doing, and even knowing what I am capable of doing, how the hell do I keep getting up in the morning? How do I even cope with that knowledge, let alone find some reason to hope? It really is about the scale. When one child is badly hurt, or one perpetrator does terrible damage, you can dismiss it as an aberration. The number of victims and perpetrators in a ring forces you to come to grips with horror in a completely different and much more honest way. I still have a lingering feeling that I don’t want to be here, and I don’t want to be a person. People are horrible. They are evil. Even I am capable of evil. I don’t know what else to say. But thanks.

    • Thank you… and thank you for articulating those questions!! You’re so right. I thought I was on my own wondering about how to cope with the knowledge itself of what people can be…and knowing I’m a person… do you think the lingering feeling of not wanting to be here ever leaves? It’s just always there. Just like a ring on my finger – always there, sometimes forgotten and other times very noticeable…
      x

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