Very lonely…

I feel exceptionally alone right now. More and more I am hearing of people talking behind my backs, deciding for themselves that what I have said is too far-fetched/fantastical and that I’m making it stuff up. What hurts more is that some of these people are people I have classed as close friends, and to my face they act like they believe me. I have trusted people with the most fragile and precious parts of me, and I keep hearing how it’s stamped on… I now no longer know who I can trust, if anyone at all. I now want to keep my memories private and not discuss any more of them. Trust…shattered.

And my emotions…my emotions in this new layer of recovery..they totally isolate me. I feel alone in this extreme level of grief. I go between intense grief for my babies, or for the the children, to grief for myself. I am plagued with almost constant visual flashbacks, where I am again forced to watch what I went through…what people put me through for years.

And now? I don’t know who I can ask for help. If people say “I believe you…you can trust me”…will I believe them? Can I handle another betrayal? Dare I try and trust again? Do people not think I wish more than anything that none of this was real? Have they ever actually thought about what it’s like LIVING IN THIS FUCKED UP SHIT?!!?!? You had your childhoods. You can leave uni and never think about this again. You have your future with your parents without having to plan to the finest detail anything you do so that you don’t end up triggered. Do people think I like this?! Yes, clearly, I just LOVE waking up in the night shaking and crying after just remembering holding my baby for the last time, or the feeling of a corkscrew being ripped inside me, or the smile on my own grandfather’s face whilst I cried as a small child. Yes, I love the violent flashbacks in which I have to re-live such trauma…the cruel irony of recovery; I can only recover if I remember. I can only remember if I re-live. I can only recover if I go through the trauma…again.

But of course I’m just making it all up. I like nothing more than lying in bed at night crying my eyes out because my life is a spiral of out-of-control madness with so much heartache and pain, and traumatic memories, and an uncertain future. I clearly love this. I love watching students my age doing normal student things with no worries, knowing I couldn’t do half of it because there’d be too much of a risk of triggers.

I want my baby. I want the children who were with me and so of course believed me. I hate my life. I hate betrayal. I hate not knowing who to trust anymore, whatsoever. I hate my memories.

I feel so entirely alone now. But I think maybe…that’s the best plan. Nobody can hurt me, betray me, bitch about me, lie to my face, pretend to give a shit, use my life with such senselessness, etc etc etc…nobody can make undermine this grief, this pain, this recovery, my life, the CHILDREN FROM THAT PLACE WHO HAPPEN TO BE PART OF MY MEMORIES, and my right to cry if I remain totally alone. Just with the help of professionals.Jesus God let me have my babies back 😥 😥


6 thoughts on “Very lonely…

  1. I am sending hugs. I hope they get there okay.

    I believe every word you say. You are neither crazy, nor a liar, and everything you talk about makes sense to me. So, I’m uninclined to think you are making it up.

    I wish you had decent parents. I wish none of what was done to you happened. I wish none of it happened to anyone else either. I wish cruel people did not exist. I wish vulnerable people did not fall victim to the manipulations of cruel people. I wish you did not have to try to make sense of what happened to you. I wish you had manageable feelings instead of the overwhelming ones that come with the kinds of things you’ve experienced. I wish uni kids were nicer and less idiotic, but it is just a difficult age to be and not everyone copes gracefully with it.

    I wish I were alone and that what you write about didn’t resonate with me in every single post.

  2. It will get better – keep fighting. There are people in our life who believe you and trust you – the people who don’t don’t deserve to be part of your life. If anyone dares doubt your experience, they clearly aren’t worth wasting time talking to. Some people just don’t understand. When things are outside their sphere of knowledge, they don’t know how to react and so they shut you out. I have had similar experiences, nt with abuse, but depression. When people don’t understand, they deny it. And many don’t even realise how much worse they make it by denying it. –

    • Accidentally posted before I finished… You know what happened, trust yourself ad seek out those who understand, or at least have the decency to care for you. Victim support groups are safe places, helplines and so on. They cannot nt believe you and can offer the support many ‘average joes’ can’t.
      Personally, I think you are an incredibly brave and inspiring person. Even though my experiences were not the same as yours, I recognise the same feelings of isolation, I too was called a liar when I opened up to people. But you – and I – are not alone in this, and I can tell you, it does get better.

      Best wishes

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