Tired of this….

I’m tired.
I’m tired of fighting a life-long battle,
Costing twenty years of my life so far.
I’m tired of a life sentence I didn’t deserve,
But is one I can never escape.
I’m tired of searching for a laugh per day
And being scared of the day that won’t come.
I’m tired of the nightmares that plague me,
And the flashbacks that steal my day.
I’m tired of pretending I’m okay
So that I can still function and work.
I’m tired of people’s raised eyebrows..
Yes I’m crying. You’ve no idea my story,
Don’t judge me if you refuse to listen.
I’m tired of glancing over my shoulder
Constantly waiting for them to arrive,
I’m tired of living in fear,
And of knowing that I always will.
I’m tired of feeling so attacked,
But being blind to where the attacker is.
I’m tired of crawling forward,
Whilst you beat me until I can’t breathe.
I’m tired of having to fight,
For simply my right to just live free.
I’m tired that ring abuse means I’m trapped
Forever, because I’m their toy.
Forever they’ll be watching, and waiting
Forever I must be ready to fight.
I’m tired of constant adrenaline
And tired of feeling such pain
I’m tired of fighting this war
That I was conscripted to, without a say.
I’m tired of living a lie
And pretending everything’s okay.
I’m tired of my life and it’s pressures
I’m tired of my life and it’s fear.
I’m tired of my life and it’s sadness
I’m tired of my life and it’s pain.
I’m tired of not knowing what’s coming
I’m tired of being scared of what’s next
I’m tired of being scared of what was
And of being scared of what currently is.
I am…so tired…of this mess… 😥

And yet somehow, I need to keep crawling ahead.
Somehow I need to put one hand in front of the other,
And fight through the bitter pain and exhaustion
Which cripples me, until there’s nothing left.

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