My entire life has been a string of moments leading me to some unknown future. The kidnappings in the middle of the night…the crying for help as a child…the travelling in a car full of strange men to..where? The constant heart in my mouth. The constant unknown. A never ending journey. the moments where I’m sure I should have died, and yet had the beautiful sensation of being able to breathe…the reassuring rhythm from my heart…only for everything to change just seconds later.
All moments. All moments of one huge journey. All terrifying.
And so how is…whilst I’m sitting on this train quietly observing happy families, or the countryside racing alongside me…like parts of my soul fighting to take this journey with me…how is it that I’m safe in this moment, and the world is calm…and yet this particular moment of the whole journey is possibly the most frightening one yet…??
How is it that travelling to a moment where I can speak out and be free, is a moment of travelling that catches in my throat…races through my heart and makes my eyes spill?
Because this moment is the biggest moment of my life…in that although I’ve fought more deadly battles, and although I’ve felt worse pain… I’ve never forgiven myself, never spoken out with my name and face, and never granted myself the freedom and rights stolen from me.
Until today. This calm journey takes me to that moment, in barely a few hours. I’m frightened because that’s what I was told to be, so that I felt too scared to free myself.
But I’m emotional because somehow…I’m here, and I’m doing it…and cradling my fragile spirit in my arms like I once did for my babies… “lie still now child and sleep, you’re safe…the war is over…”
This moment is the most frightening, exhilarating and moving moment of my journey so far. And in a few hours… it’ll be even greater…. and I hope the children can be with me somehow…