You know in those random films sometimes they have the special effects where the world seems to be zooming past the character, who is apparently stationary? I’m there. Okay so the world isn’t physically flashing at crazy speed past me, but it feels it.
I don’t belong here…
Maybe I’m just too tired or maybe current memories are just eating me like a parasite, or maybe it’s both…but I feel so lost today. So completely lost.
How can I create myself in this world, when my heart lived and died in the other world? I cried this morning, at a counselling appointment…asked her how on earth I can ever find my feet in this world and firmly and totally walk away from the other…when my babies died there…my heart was there…the children were there….I am therefore, still there, and always will be. I can’t walk away from that… and that means I can still get in trouble. I’m trapped. They killed me there. My body may be here but that world has killed my heart. Beaten it gradually into pieces. Tore it so slowly that the process itself was an act of torture.
I can’t recover from that, can I? I can’t because then I leave them behind…
And so I stand here. And the world carries on it’s normal activities. I watch students bustle around and worry about their lectures and I watch staff despairing at the computers and I see the bbc news and it’s all just normal carry-on. My friends, and even students who don’t know me, and the staff…everyone who talks to me can obviously see me…and yet aren’t aware that they are talking to a ghost. Someone who’s heart is in a different place. Who’s soul has just got too weary and wants to be with her babies…
So my body is here. I’m walking, breathing, talking, working…answering emails and dealing with general normal life issues. I’m on auto-pilot. Lalalalalaaaa.
But inside I’m dead. I was screaming inside last night. I was crying and howling inside this morning. Then the pain got too much.
And now inside I am dead. And so I am standing still whilst the world rushes around me, and I feel like even if I lay down in the middle of the road, nobody would see or notice.
Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I’ve just been pushed off the edge of something and now I’m just free-falling, slowly, calmly now because I know I can’t stop this….
How can I live in between two parallel worlds? I can’t. And I can’t choose either. One might be safer, but my heart is in the other. I need both.
But to need that just kills me.
And so I am a ghost. A ghost of the cruel world, and a lost girl in this one.
I want my babies. I want my heart back. I want the children and I just want to curl up, close my eyes, and be left totally alone for years and years. I wish it was possible to just run away from all of this, from everything…absolutely everything…and hide in some faraway cave and not need to live in either world.
Surely that’s possible? Surely as a ghost I can do what I want and not be noticed?
Let me run…