This post is probably going to be even more incoherent than usual, and so I apologise in advance. Bit tired. Zzzzzzz.
I’m just having a mild dilemma. Hm.
If I follow my heart, I follow pain and lose my mind.
If I ignore my heart, I’m pain-free and unaware of my mind.
Which is worse…to lose it, or to be unaware of it?
I honestly don’t know. But if the point is that I head away from pain, then which option should I take?
I’m stuck in total contradiction land…with some people telling me to follow my heart, and some people telling me to follow my head, and people telling me to do what I believe is right, and people telling me I deserve to be away from pain and getting hurt.
All of the above is just not achievable!! Not a chance in hell!
If I follow my heart….yes I might do better things, and yes I might do it with more feeling, and yes I might keep trying to catch people and lay down breadcrumbs and sign-posts for others so that they have the soul-strengthening job of finding themselves. But equally if I follow my heart, I have to be reminded endlessly of the pain that I actually have had my heart torn to pieces. Either grief infects my bloodstream and chokes my heart, so that breathing feels like a conscious task and my body heavy with some physical emotion which is killing me day by day by day. Or I’m reminded of stuff I’ve done which should mean I must have no heart, and I feel dead in my chest. Like a black dead plant is just resting beneath my rib cage. No beat. No feeling. Just dead. A dead black heart. My skin and blood feel icy, my eyes dry but weary, and I’m just counting the moments until the dead heart results in a dead body, and I can be free from all of this…
Or following my heart reminds me of the abuse done to myself, of people who were supposed to care for me using their “love” for me as a sick tool to destroy my heart and force agony to flow through my blood – white hot pain with no control and the absolute sureness that it’ll kill me.
So following my heart hurts. And each type of pain is a method which is killing me slowly. The most torturous, excruciating pain. Today my body aches – one or more of the heartache pains is killing me. My legs throb. My back aches. My shoulders and neck feel like someone’s sticking needles into them. I have pins and needles in my fingers and toes. Fibro flare up? Possibly. But my heart aches too and I think the pain is that. The pain is my heart. And the pain is killing me. And I can’t really stop it because to stop it means I stop following my heart for the better things (it’s all or nothing, I can’t pick and choose which parts of my heart are activated…if I’m following it, it’s all there). But I equally can’t stop it because somewhere is the bittersweet calm and resigned sensation – this is killing me. it hurts but at least it’s killing me. This will all be over soon. My body will just…..give up. My heart will just break too much. Over…
And that calm, tired sensation is something I welcome.
But in my heart breaking, the gaps in my head open up. And what would fill the gaps? Hallucinations, of course. Of the reasons my heart is breaking. Of the reasons my body is filling with poison and killing me slowly. Of the reasons this pain is what I deserve…
Today I ended up curled up in the disabled toilets, sobbing until my throat was raw and scared of the hallucination in front of me. Not scared it would hurt me. Scared because it was a mirror of the horror that lives inside me, right inside my heart, the dead black part of me. I just wanted to end. I just wanted everything to end. For my body to stop working because my heart was dead. So I could lie there, stop breathing, and just go to sleep. Go away from this mess. Walk away and look down on my distressed, curled up lifeless body and be calm and pain-free….finally…..
So then following my heart leads to my mind to implode. Because it all hurts too much.
To do the right thing means I must follow my heart. This means I feel pain. This means my mind implodes.
To be away from pain I must do the right thing. To do that I must follow my heart. Which means I feel pain. Which means my mind implodes.
Do you see the totally paradoxical situation I’m trapped in here?
I can’t escape from pain. It won’t leave me. It poisons me from the inside out and just chokes me. Killing me. An icy grip on my heart and it twists. I feel my chest muscles tighten, contract and flex..being hurt by the grip.
What can I do?
If I follow my heart I lose my mind.
If I don’t follow my heart, I have no mind.