I had a total heart attack last night. My friend and I were walking to a restaurant, across town, in the dark. I’m a bit edgy at the moment walking in the dark. I’m very aware that I’m talking out and therefore quite probably wanted dead (or worse) by several. Ring/ritual abusers don’t like their toy being beyond their control, and far less like their toy misbehaving and exposing them….
So, in true hyper-paranoid state, I’m walking around constantly waiting for the white hot pain in my back from some hitman who’s shot me dead and drove off before anyone can see. On a rational level I realise the likelihood of this occurring is almost none; they’re not going to kill a person who’s face is all over the place. They’re just not that stupid. They may well want to….but they won’t. But sometimes my fear gets confused over their wants and their actual plans.
Anyway. So I won’t be killed. But paranoia is making me edgy.
And last night, I was walking along the road with my friend, in the dark. We were walking absolutely side by side, but then she jumped forward just slightly, to show me something in her gesture (can’t really remember). Simultaneously to this, I heard a gunshot, and she yelped slightly, and I totally jumped out of my skin and then froze. I was terrified. I was staring at her, waiting for either me or her to collapse from some gunshot wound. I couldn’t feel pain but I figured this was shock. I was certain one of us had just been shot. I was terrified it was her, because she’d just moved and maybe they missed. I pleaded by body to kick in and do something.
This was all in the space of maybe a second, and my friend must have noticed I’d turned into a terror-statue. She quickly put her arms around me “it’s okay it’s okay Jade…it must have been someone’s engine or something…”
engine backfiring. Okay. Of course. I reassured myself in that she could put her arm around me, so she clearly wasn’t about to drop dead. Tentatively, I tested out my legs. I could still move. She was okay and I was okay. Nobody had been shot. We carried on walking. “You okay?” she asked me. I nodded quickly and changed the subject, ashamed now of just how terrified and ridiculous I had been. But my heart was still racing and I felt very shaky and tearful.
I hate this. Paranoia, PTSD…whatever the hell it is. I hate it.
It was just a sodding engine backfiring, but god’s sake….
they won’t kill me. but fear just might!!