I miss you Hol 😦 Everything’s a mess and I’m tired and I don’t know what to do… I feel about 3 times my actual age…really so weary and exhausted and just stare at other students my age now and think I don’t want this life. Why can’t I be as carefree as you? Why can’t the worst stress be coursework?
We were that carefree once. I remember it. How was I more carefree then? What have they done to me since….they’ve totally destroyed me. They have systematically taken pieces of my heart and set fire to it, until now I’m left charred and black inside. They held my spirit and twisted it slowly, so the pain was excruciating and slow…until finally they killed me. I lost you and then lost so many others…. now all I can see is loss. It’s all I can see. I try to see new things that I’ve gained…but it’s all tainted. I see my friend’s concerned or tired or fed up eyes and I just want to scream at them. What’s wrong with me? They don’t deserve to be screamed at. But I just want to. Want to scream at them – “stop looking at me like that. stop reminding me how fucked up everything is.”
It’s not their fault though. It’s mine. I dragged them into this life. And I fucked up so spectacularly and don’t know how to get myself or anyone else out of this mess. I’m treading water but running out of energy and now I’m drowning, and dragging anyone within reach down with me.
They’ve killed me Holly. My body is just existing. I just exist. They’ve killed me and now I’m killing everyone else.
I remember being by the stream with you. You sitting on the fallen tree that I despised because I was convinced a whole city of spiders were living inside it and waiting to attack me when my back was turned. You didn’t care. You wanted to sit on it so you could play your guitar and sing, and laugh loudly every time I tripped and fell into the stream. Then I would splash you. You’d squeal, put your guitar down, and run into the stream to splash me (a lot) back…until we were both soaked, shivering, hysterically laughing and holding each other.
Then you’d sing one of your songs and we’d do some daft dance, still in the stream, trying very hard to not fall on the slippy stones.
Nothing else mattered. For a few precious hours I could feel no pain.
How do I get back there? I can’t. My future looks dark and bleak. Yes there are bits of light but they don’t feel powerful enough anymore. I feel weighed down and heavy. Like I need to constantly sit down to relieve my shoulders and back because they ache horrendously with this weight. I want to scream but I don’t know what at or how to. Instead I sit here, my head in my hands, my body throbbing and shaking, destroying everything I come near.
Please help me Hol 😥