The black chains.

I am beginning to realise that the way in which my head deals with extreme emotions is by applying some kind of physical memory to fit it, so that I have words to describe it…

So…
The actual memory is of a few years ago, being tied up with hideously heavy chains which cut into my skin and crushed me. So tight around my chest that it took so much of my energy just to focus on how to breathe. I couldn’t breathe normally so I had to learn how to breathe in a way that kept me at least conscious….

The pain was hideous. And then they put me in a large sack. I felt myself be picked up. I couldn’t fight because of the chains and if I fought and lost track of the breathing then I would pass out. Suddenly I felt like knives were stabbing me and my muscles contracted, and liquid swallowed me. I had been put underwater – *very* icy cold water. Now not only were the chains restricting my breathing, but the water had paralyzed me with the cold, and I was *terrified*. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t apply logic and I couldn’t think anything further on than what would happen in the next second…and then the next second…and so on. The fear and cold and tight chains had suffocated me to the point that the future no longer was an option my head could deal with. It was all about the present.

And that’s where I’m at emotionally. A wreck. My eyes are so sore from far too many tears and I physically feel like there’s some huge great weight around my chest and it’s being pulled tighter and tighter by the hour. I just have to spend a huge amount of my energy thinking about how to breathe, for fuck’s sake. In truth I just want to collapse and let the chains suffocate me until I black out, because the pain is far too intense, the energy to keep going so extensive, and the motivation to keep going limited…

I hate myself and can conclude therefore that other people, at least some other people, must hate me too. The chains are chains of guilt that I deserve. Cutting me, choking me.

I wish the chains hurried up and choked me. I’m done crawling in pain…. 😦

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3 thoughts on “The black chains.

  1. You do not deserve the guilt, or to have been tortured like you were. Those people were monsters. Nothing you could have said or done would have stopped their evil behaviour. They were sadists. But like you said in an earlier post, it’s you that now has to pick up the pieces.

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