I have no strength left.
Dear abusers. I remember all those times I pleaded with you to kill me, for you to just laugh in my face. I never understood. Did you not want me dead? Was that not the point? How was I any different and allowed to survive? I begged. You laughed.
Now I understand your laughter. You laughed because you *were* killing me. In the most excruciating, slow, and cruel way imaginable, and I had failed to realise.
You, whilst I screamed in pain from your torture, put your hand into my chest and squeezed my heart. Took hold of my heart. But I don’t let go of my heart too easily – you couldn’t turn me to an icy monster , or take my love and warmth away from me that fast. But you knew that to squeeze my heart would cause me the most horrific pain, and would kill me slowly. You may not convert me…but to resist that meant you were killing me.
I still choose death over becoming one of you.
And so you continued. You grew in how extreme you were – how you tore pieces of my heart…ripped them right out of my chest so I was left staggering and crippled with pain. Each child you hurt, each friend you used, each baby you took, each lie you tricked me with, each tear that spilt…each time you put me in a position where someone else was getting hurt and I could do NOTHING about it…that’s how you squeezed my heart. Each dreadful act you made me do, and each horrific thing you did yourself…every time you used my friend’s names to make me comply, every time I heard a child scream because you’d got them just so their screams could torture me… how could I feel knowing that child’s pain was simply a tool to hurt me as well?
That’s how you’ve killed me. Slowly at first, but you’ve got increasingly desperate and now just ripped my heart out in one final fatal blow. I felt my knees buckle as my heart gave up the fight. I felt myself crash to the floor. I felt the screaming pain in my chest – my heart screaming. Breaking. I heard your cruel laughter as I was rendered speechless, breathless… *reeling* with this new indescribable tidal wave of pain as my body and spirit slowly died at your feet. I couldn’t even cry. I was so stunned – this long, tedious and painful battle was over…you tore it out of my chest, and now all that is left is a dark black hole filled with pain.
And so I have nothing left. I will remain here, on my knees, gasping for breath that will never come…waiting for the tidal wave to soothe until exhaustion swallows me and I peacefully let go. You’ve finished me. You’ve gradually broken my heart, until it’s now unrepairable. I will never be the same again. You’ve won. I can’t keep fighting you anymore….you broke it. Finally broke it to a million pieces as you ripped my soul out of me. The ghost children are standing next to me, and not saying a word…just staring at me and smiling sadly. They know the score. They know what’s killed me, and know it’s never going to be the same again. One is next to me and keeps touching my cheek, and if I think hard…I can remember what that felt like.
Let me go…