What a hellish night.
I hate halloween and I HATE the night before halloween.
At some point in the night I woke up and could not get back to sleep; was just tossing and turning and then getting stressed that I was neither asleep nor doing anything useful with my time, so I went downstairs to do some work on my essay…which, for a while, seemed to be a good plan. I work best in the middle of the night – historically between midnight and 3pm ish was the only time I *might* be left alone, and I’d use that time to think about what was going to happen in the ring the next day and how best to protect the children. As a result, my head has got used to “working” during this time. Helpful….or not.
Anyway, at some point it half-consciously occurred to me that it was the night of Halloween, and I felt myself shudder at the thought of what would be for certain going on around the country at least at that time. There’s a sickening powerlessness on dates such as Halloween – knowing fine rightly what will be happening but not even half-able to guess where, so I’m left with the dreadful knowledge and no way of stopping it. I tried not to dwell on it too much and switched back into essay mode, but the damage had already been done. Without realising it, I had already opened a hole.
First I heard whispers/low murmurs from the room behind me. I figured it was people outside, and just sounding funny because of where I was sitting, so I ignored it.
But then I could smell smoke, and then the stomach-clenching smell of burning skin. Now I couldn’t ignore it. Before I could apply any logic, I jumped into instinct mode and looked in the room behind me. To be greeted by a whole host of my abusers, who smirked when they saw me. One looked at me and said something which I won’t repeat because it’s a trigger phrase used in ritual rings and I don’t want to trip anyone reading this up. However, basically it meant I had to with them right *then* to go to the crazy fucked up ritual taking place because of the date.
I didn’t move and neither did they. I equally didn’t make a sound. I wanted to scream. I was fully clothed because it had been too cold to sit in my jamas, and that meant my house keys were on my belt. However, my phone was still upstairs. Could I get upstairs in time?
“Now.” One said, and they suddenly moved towards me. I tried to scream again but my throat felt closed tight, choked somehow. Instead, I bolted. Was about to go to the stairs to get my phone, but there were a couple already waiting for me there, with matches in their hand. Fire….
I ran. I ran out of the front door and locked it – locking them into the house and me outside of it. I was now crying but still unable to make a sound….. why couldn’t I scream? I was terrified 😥
I tried reasoning with myself – they’re not real Jade. You’re hallucinating because of the date. Go back inside and walk past them, get your phone and call for help. They’re not real. They can’t hurt you. I said it over and over again but it was no use – whenever I looked into the window, they were still there. I wasn’t scared of them so much…I was petrified of having to go to a halloween ritual. My whole body was shaking with the fear of just this prospect. I could taste bile, could feel my stomach heaving, but still I couldn’t scream. But I could never scream, at any of these rituals in the past. More often I’d been too afraid and stunned at the magnitude of horror taking place in front of me that I’d stayed silent and just clutching a child’s hand…
I stayed at the front door crying for a bit, until I heard movement behind me. Fuck. Now there were some outside too. I tried screaming again, still no use. So I ran.
I didn’t know where I was running except I needed to get away from the crowd of abusers who had come to take me to some hideous ritual. I just ran, fast. My legs hurt and my back hurt but I didn’t care…the terror of having to go to one of the rituals was so powerful that I couldn’t think past the next moment. I had gone into “just focus on the present”. I couldn’t even hope to apply logic to a future. I just needed to get through each moment, else I’d erupt into some hysterical panic attack thing and be totally immobile and vulnerable. Just needed to keep running….
So scared 😥
After a while I slowed, and realised I was not running in any familiar direction – not towards any safe point. I stopped, leant against a tree, and looked around me. No abusers. I was heading towards the road which leads to the moors…. with a jolt I realised I had probably been running towards a ritual event or to actual abusers, without even knowing it…
I threw up, slumped slowly down the tree, and curled up in a shaking ball of tears. I was now just waiting for someone to pick me up – I felt totally helpless and like a little girl again somehow. I kept seeing flashes of light, like the fire I would be seeing if I was there. If I closed my eyes I saw the glazed over expressions of the children, as they shivered against the cold and stared into the flames in front of them. It struck me how eerie it was. No screaming yet – there’s no pain. Just white faces reflecting the orange glow, and near-on expressionless eyes. All in a circle. People with robes. I remember the robes stank. And were rough to touch.
I grimaced and stiffened at the rest of the memory, and continued to hallucinate. In hindsight I feel pathetic as to how frightened and immobile I was.
Eventually, either exhaustion pushed the fear away or rational logic that I hadn’t seen an abuser came into the forefront, but I summoned the strength to get home. This morning when I woke up, I half wondered if it had all been some *horrific* nightmare. I don’t know. But either way, it was terrifying and highly distressing, and I’m a wobbly wreck today. Walked around town and saw little kids in daft loopy masks and kept jumping out of my skin. Keep hallucinating abusers, doing a double-take and realising it’s a stranger with a vaguely similar hairline, or nose, or whatever.
Hyper-vigilant doesn’t even cover it. Somehow I need to write an essay tonight and I’m just… no idea how it’s going to happen.
So frightened 😥 😥 It was such a terrifying experience and not even close to the real thing anyway, and so I now feel pathetic too for having got so scared.
I’m still trapped in this place where I feel only able to cry when on my own. It hasn’t worked like that – there have been a few tearful explosions over the last few weeks on friends… but mostly I hide and let one of the other personalities live my life at the moment. I just don’t know how to carry this new level of emotional turmoil… but equally realise hiding will put me on the spiral to depression, so yesterday I tried to be braver and come out more.
Now?! I have no idea. Inside I’m an emotional frightened wreck…palpitations, random bouts of hyperventilating, and constantly on the verge of a flood of tears. But I can’t let it out. I just can’t. I’m holding it in…because it’s Halloween and to cry on Halloween will get me hurt, right??
Jesus it’s all so fucked up 😥
As it stands…I got my ears pierced today, my seconds. I stared in the mirror afterwards and thought… My own ritual. Even now. You can take the girl out of the ring…but you can’t take the ring out of the girl… I guess there’ll just always be odd little bits that have become part of who I am, such as the need for some form of pain ritual on Halloween…some form of something that makes me look owned or branded. But hey…if this year it sticks at just ear piercing…then that’s fine by me…
Such a mess 😥 thinking of other ritual abuse victims and survivors right now…realise it’s tough 😦