For every one of you that have read even one line of my blog, I just want to thank you; it occurred to me today that although I feel so grateful and stunned at how supportive even total strangers have been, I’ve never thanked you.
I’m grateful not because my writing is simply being read; i.e, this isn’t me going ‘Thank you for reading what I’ve written so my work isn’t wasted.’ I personally don’t care if you read my story or not; on a personal level it doesn’t massively affect me either way, and if anything it’s more frightening and nerve-wracking writing my story than not.
But for each word you read, you are taking the horrific truth of Ritual Abuse and helping me destroy the secrecy that surrounds it. For survivors it is so hard to speak out – I am riddled with shame, guilt, pain, *terror*, and also the programming not to speak out. I cannot describe the mental effort it takes every day just to write a few hundred words – to just sit for half an hour and fight against the intense programming and breathe through my terror at speaking out… there is very little basis on which I’m doing this for me. I could keep a personal diary and save myself the battle.
But I’m doing this for those who need people to speak out. For the thousands of children worldwide still trapped in this hell, who need the world to wake up and realise this kind of stuff DOES happen. For the survivors who have tried to speak out and have been disbelieved.
For every word you read, you help that barrier shatter, and so in the long run may help save others. This blog now has over 350 followers. Personally, I get nervous at times when I see it’s being read in different countries – nervous of the threats made to me that tried to silence me. But I cannot live in silence and play a part in this kind of hell continuing. That’s why I’m speaking out – so that I do not become part of the system which allows this to keep going. And those of you reading this, you’re helping too…more than you could probably ever realise, and I – on behalf of those who need the world to realise and understand what happens – am so unbelievably grateful.
Some children are born in those places, so they are never registered or officially known. They can vanish and nobody will notice them missing. Their entire life may be a ritual abuse ring. Can you imagine? I’ve spoken to other survivors who’s orphanage was in fact a ritual abuse ring – for them there was no escape. People say to me sometimes – “how do you smile?” or “you’re stronger than you think” etc. I’m not that strong at all, in fact. I just know I’m extremely lucky. Whether I deserved that luck or not is a different matter…but either way, life played it’s cards and I am somehow at university and known and was registered at birth and so it could never be that I’d vanish without a trace. My role therefore, in my eyes, is to use my “good luck” in a way which can possibly save even one more child. But I can’t do that on my own – it’s impossible. But you all help me, and help others, and help educate those around you….simply by reading. Even if you don’t talk about what you’ve read, somewhere in the back of your mind will be the knowledge, so you stand a better chance at spotting the signs in another child, or not reeling with disbelief if you hear a similar story from someone else in years to come…
Ritual abuse exists but so many try to deny it. Despite the fact that in some countries, political prisoners or prisoners of war have described similar acts of torture happening to them (torture is torture) so therefore it is known and documented that in this day and age, people are subjected to such horror….the idea of ritual abuse seems to (and understandably, I guess…who wants to believe this happens to women and children worldwide) stop people in their tracks. So many turn a blind eye. I understand why. I don’t blame them.
But it makes me even more grateful for those of you who haven’t turned away… for those of you who have emailed me your kind words, or have been reading the blog when you didn’t have to…for those of you who haven’t called me a liar but instead have encouraged me to keep going…. *thank you*. Your kind words aren’t just gratefully received on a personal basis, but from the eyes of a ritual abuse survivor…you are helping break up an entire system, simply through your compassion and support. By listening to me, you are helping so many… and for someone who has to live every day with the horror oppressing me, the memories plaguing me and the grief of those I personally lost pulling me to pieces…sometimes the only way I get through the next moment is by saying “people are hearing you now. You need to keep going so that they can help you help others.”
Please know what incredible work and help you’re all doing, simply by reading and not turning your backs, or closing your eyes. I can honestly say, as a survivor from that hell, that just those acts alone could save people in the future. If nothing else, so many of you have saved me.