Empowering myself.

Long time since last blog post – apologies…. a messy time of year, as ever is the case… and just generally the busiest time of year also….

I am undeniably in a horrendous place, and if it wasn’t for DID I would no doubt be in hospital. As it stands, DID – now in control – is like having 54 personal assistants in a large business. I am able to crash and my life is able to continue, with other alters taking the lead and the real world not even noticing. Hurrah. Dear abusers, if you’re reading this, I just wanted to thank you – your *sick* attempts to blow my mind up like a grenade and leave it in several fragmented pieces has only made it easier to fight against letting your abuse affect my life. Cheers. Here’s me raising a glass to thank you all. You wanted to create the perfect robot, only I took control of the remote. Now it’s like your own creation is against you…and as absolutely low and unable to function I may feel, I still have energy to feel amused at how your desperate efforts to break me have only inadvertently made me somewhat invicible. Thank you very much.

I am totally wrecked, and hurting beyond words…living with the horror of a surfaced memory which is worse than any of the rest.

But I am empowered by that pain. You all hurt me far too personally, took too much of my heart….and now I’m livid as well as drowning in pain.

T0morrow I am speaking at an event about the stigma facing abuse victims and rape victims. I will be talking about my own experiences. I will be talking about how people can fight against the stigma. I will be explaining to the audience how society can open its eyes, what signs to look for, how blaming a victim only ever sides with the abuser even if they don’t intend to.

I will be waking people up with my rage. The week after I will do the same thing, at a different event. I will talk through how to help someone in a flashback. I will explain the process of DID. I will explain the stigma facing victims and how so much of it could be broken in an instant if society only knew how to wake up. I will help others speak out.

You hurt me too much. I will never be the same person again and I don’t know how long it will be until I’m able to function normally and not rely on DID to get me through a day and get my work done.

But I do know this. I hate you and will seek my revenge by empowering others to shout out. I will wake society up and I will work with children to know their rights to safety. As much as I have crashed and unable to deal with normal work, my rage and pain and heartbreak is all being channelled into that. So watch this space. Just as DID has backfired as a tool for you, so have your efforts to kill me.

You’ve taken so many. You will not kill me now. You will not keep me silent.

And you have only yourselves to blame for the fact I am furiously going to empower myself and those around me and work tirelessly to wake society up, whilst my PAs ensure the rest of my life don’t fall.

Yes I’m in pain. Yes I’m broken. This pain is unbearable. I can’t breathe properly half of the time. I feel like I’m on fire.

But you also made me angry. My revenge will be constructive and good. I will show you how to use grief and rage in a way which can only cause good. Maybe I can help you, as you’ve inadvertently helped me.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?

My revenge will be my voice and my compassion, as it always was.

Thanks for hurting me so much I have DID, which keeps me afloat.

Thanks for hurting me so much I’m angry, which gives me a voice and will help reach out to others in need.



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