Free-falling…

We’re still falling, following the post the other day… still falling and watching the colours rush past us in some crazy beautiful and painful kaleidescope.

I wonder at what point we’ll hit the ground, and how painful the impact will be. It’s almost peaceful falling…. we’re scared but also know there’s nothing we can do – gravity is stronger than us. So we’re silent, holding hands, and falling…waiting for the breath-stopping moment where we crash onto the ground…wondering how painful the crash will be….

I’m holding my host’s hand whilst we fall. Holding her spirit and soul at it’s most fragile and vulnerable moments, whilst she can do nothing to protect it from being so exposed. We’re free-falling, and in truth she’s still a babbling manic mess with no touch with reality, no awareness of self or surroundings, but just manic and going from hysterical giggles, to baby-babbles, to sobbing incoherently….all three can happen in the space of 3 seconds. Mentally she’s free-falling. Mentally I’m falling with her. But I’m still in some control; I haven’t completely had a breakdown yet.

I was explaining the process to a friend yesterday. I explained how normal people pass out when physical pain gets too unbearable, I guess partly as a protection so that the pain doesn’t mentally traumatise the person, and also to preserve some energy to fight against the pain. I explained that being in a ritual ring meant we had to actually train ourselves to defy this basic instinct, from a very young age. We still pass out with pain, but mostly we can keep going for far longer than what the average person probably could. It was too dangerous to pass out in pain, too frightening – what would happen to you in the meantime, would you wake up, would they operate on you, would they take you somewhere else, would they make suggestions to you whilst you were unconscious so that the programming was even harder to un-do? This is how we learn to dissociate from an extremely young age; we needed to be able to stay conscious despite extreme pain, and so as part of the training we learnt that fragmenting the pain made it more possible to survive. Occasionally though, the pain would be too much too fast, we wouldn’t be able to fragment it up fast enough, but still…rather than pass out, it was safer to actually lose our minds. We would feel ourselves going crazy in pain, but it at least meant we were conscious. We weren’t dead yet. They couldn’t bury us alive ‘thinking’ we were dead, etc etc. Sometimes we passed out, and sometimes we used passing out in certain situations to make it safer…. but in terms of physical pain, it was often safer to actually go through the pain than to pass out.

The same thing has happened emotionally. The emotional pain and memories kept hitting our host hard, over and over again, beating her senseless. She tried fragmenting it, but also was reluctant to completely dissociate it as it halts the recovery process. She went as far as, and way above, what should be manageable for emotional pain. She reached the most extreme and unbearable level of emotional pain, and – as she has done for years, so is now instinct – she lost her mind rather than fall unconscious with the pain. So she’s totally had a breakdown. Totally lost the plot, as they say. She rocks in a corner, in our DID land, hidden inside…rocking, babbling, crying, howling, laughing, not influenced by stimuli around her (not even noticing stimuli around her)…totally in her own world, whatever mess that may be…. total breakdown, but still…she’s kept the losing her mind solely to just her so that I can live her life. And nobody knows a thing. Everyone sees me and assumes I’m her. In truth she’s lost the plot inside somewhere. Withdrawing inside is the safest thing, it’s like a baby elephant being protected by a tight ring of adult elephants around her. If she’s withdrawn inside, rather than withdrawn in the real world, then she has us around her…and around that, she has her ‘real’ friends, and around that she professionals. She can lose her mind, as she has done, completely safely….and her life continues.

Until I fell off the cliff too. I haven’t lost my mind, the pain isn’t too much for me. But for whatever reason this week has been the week of ‘pile as much stress onto me as is actually possible’, and I buckled. So now we’re both free-falling. My host isn’t aware. She probably doesn’t even know she’s free-falling, really. If she actually came out, consciously, she wouldn’t be able to function. But I don’t suppose she’d know how to come out even if she wanted to. Plot = lost. Me, meanwhile, am very aware, but got pushed off the cliff.

I don’t know what’s sadder, watching her free-falling whilst she has no idea it’s happening…. or the fact I can’t catch her, because I’m falling with her. All I can do is hold her hand and wait to see how hard the impact will be for us both. Maybe if it’s spread between us both, it’ll be less damaging.

Who knows. All I know is that memories eventually caused her mind to lose itself….she’s the virtual equivalent of a messy snowglobe at the moment (so at some point it’ll settle but in the meantime, which way is up and down is the most complicated part of her world)…. and stress of huge magnitudes pushed me off.

God bless the rest of the personalities, who will keep this ticking over. I will do what I can, and just hope my host recovers sooner rather than later, so she can bounce us out of this…

I don’t want to be able to breathe. I want to hit the ground hard and be knocked out cold and never wake up. But, like a coward, I don’t want the impact to hurt me. And I don’t want it to hurt her, either…especially whilst she’s so unaware of what’s happening.

:-/

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