I don’t know what I hate more about the abusers – the fact that they went so out of their way to cause us as much horrific pain as possible, or the fact that they’ve programmed us to feel extreme physical pain in certain situations. We’re still abused even when we can’t see them. It’s sick 😥
I’m speaking out tonight. I don’t care how ill or in pain I feel by that point, I’m still doing it. I’m nervous, of course, but who wouldn’t be actually? But also…I’ve been programmed from when I was 18 months old onwards to feel extreme pain if I dared even consider speaking out or asking for help – it’s part of the package which is why so many victims stay silent, and therefore, stay trapped.
And my God is it happening. I woke up at 6am with a powerful migraine leaving me nauseous and dizzy. That wore off, but I now physically feel as though I’ve been brutally beaten to a pulp. My back, ribs and shoulders feel intensely bruised to touch, I have shooting pains down my legs, and I have the constant sensation of a corkscrew raping me…even now as I’m writing this. I guess I’m hoping that by writing it out it might get even a little bit out of the system. As it is, I need to be able to function so the pain is being largely dissociated, but even so it is still on the verge of unbearable…and just getting staggeringly worse as the day progresses. I know I’m supposed to call it off and say I feel too ill. I know I’m supposed to say I’m in too much pain.
But that is their rules and I’m sick of playing by their rules. I know this pain is programmed. I know it’s not ‘real’ in the biological sense. It happens every time I plan to speak out or ask for help. I’m in a lot of pain…but I know the moment I start speaking tonight, the pain will evaporate. I will have broken the deeply ingrained and sick spell that they’ve had me under for 20 years. Maybe as I speak out more, the programmed pain will steadily grow less intense at each event…who knows?
All I know is this: for so long they controlled me through pain. I am not letting them control me through pain anymore. If I have to grit my teeth and breathe through the pain, I will. Painkillers don’t touch the pain, of course, as physiologically there is nothing wrong. It’s all mind control. They plant in my unconscious mind right from when I was a baby that in the event of a certain stimuli (speaking out) I am to feel horrendous pain – the pain signals in my brain activate even though there’s no reason for it. It’s a fairly simple process, as those of you who’ve studied any level of psychology will know – think about conditioned reflex response etc. It’s simple, but if started from the point where a person is pre-verbal, it becomes exceptionally powerful.
And that, to me, is the sickest thing. That even without them here, I’m still being raped by a corkscrew and beaten up, because I dare even consider the power of my own voice. Now I just need to show myself that my voice is more powerful than their’s.
Nelson Mandela died yesterday, and we are extremely sad…he inspired us greatly, as he did many. He showed the power of one genuine and true voice. It has reminded us that this pain is not real, but rather a sick hurdle planted by the abusers…and that we can overcome it with our voice if we want to.
So much pain, and feeling so depressed because of it 😥 But equally so determined to get through tonight and prove to myself that their pain can’t stop us anymore.