The flashing lights.

There are certain things/stimuli which can send my host, and other parts, into some kind of trance-like state. This is because those stimuli were used to hypnotise her or programme her when she was younger, and used so often and from such a young age that the response is heavily ingrained. As our host wasn’t born instantly able to dissociate, some of the deeper and more generalised life-long programming was done to just her, so some stimuli only affect her.

One such thing is flashing/flickering lights. It is not uncommon for her to see bright lights in her sleep, and wake up when it gets too unbearable. I’ve also noticed she’ll get very agitated, sometimes to the point of scratching herself until she bleeds, if she’s in the same room as a flickering fluorescent light. I had never fully understood why. She also has a totally random mood swing that happens in autumn/winter and sometimes spring, which I had never understood. She’ll comment on how beautiful the setting is on a cold sunny day, but also be in a chronically foul mood and tetchy.

Whilst she’s taking some time out, I’m realising more what she normally jumps at or feels uncomfortable with/around that doesn’t affect me. Such as flashing/flickering lights. To just point out how constant this stimuli is, due to the fact it’s everywhere, here are some everyday examples of flickering lights that does her head in:

– car indicators. I have actually notice she’ll avoid looking.

– if driving, the sun flickering through trees at a fast speed, or just simply shining through the windscreen and flickering behind/between things. She puts the sun visor down almost everytime she’s in a car, irrespective of whether it’s actually very sunny. Now I understand it’s to protect her.

– TV lights at on/off switch

– Computer lights at on/off switch

– flickering lights, if a bulb is going

– shadows created by lights, particularly at this time of year

– school crossing/lollipop lady/zebra crossing amber flashing light

– emergency services siren lights.

–  some effects in film/too much strobe

– camera flash

– LED on her phone

– Christmas lights (and my God they’re everywhere at the moment)

– flames (on candles, etc)

– headlights on cars

– level crossing


etc etc etc. The list is endless, the triggers *constant*. I now understand why sometimes she can just be ‘out of it’ for no apparent reason, and why she gets so tetchy if around one of the above for too long. She probably hasn’t consciously made the connection, else she would have said something. The only reason really why we’ve noticed now is because the triggers don’t affect me, so where everyone is used to her being tetchy, I’m not…and so by process of elemination, and going through memories, we’ve worked out what the issue is here. Flickering lights activates the trance-like state they put her in whenever they were going to program her or hurt her or instruct her or generally do horrific things to her, or when they were going to wipe her memories. There’s so many things that cause flickering light – it simply has to be un-constant light which flickers and flashes, and it messes with her head.

There’s not much we can do – avoiding them would be impossible because they are *everywhere*. When you walk around today, see if you notice how many things have just flickering or flashing lights! But at least now we know it’s a trigger, we can hope to wake her up faster in future 🙂 And with that, she might grow more resistant to the power of it.

The shitheads have just tried their hardest to ensure every waking moment of her life is a reminder. And it is. Everything she sees relates to something, or may trigger her, in some way. It’s just hideous. They make me sick. But focussing on that won’t solve a thing. Just gotta keep going I guess….



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