I don’t know why. Today has been good. But I have this constant sick feeling in my stomach like the feeling I get when I think I’ve hurt, upset or seriously let people down. I feel like a needy child seeking reassurance or confirmation from the tiniest flicker of body language and tone from the people around me, and can feel myself taking every slight negative bit to heart. I hate it. I’m not like this. I’m not a needy child. But I always get like this when I feel so much like I’ve screwed up, as though I’m looking either for confirmation that I have, or reassurance that I haven’t. The biggest problem is that my head automatically looks for and over-analyses anything negative, to confirm that I should feel like I’ve upset a lot of people or caused a lot of hurt. Nothing is reassuring me. My head keeps playing tricks on me, making me hear angry and disgusted tones- or worse, disappointed tones – that I’m sure can’t be there, simply because they don’t add up with the conversation in hand. People look tired and I’m convinced it’s my doing. How? Most of them I haven’t seen for a few days. How could it be my fault? But I’m so sure it is, and I feel the sick butterfly sensation of nerves and guilt despite the faulty logic.
I guess the needy child bit comes from when I was in fact a child. I constantly felt like I’d let the world down simply by existing. I constantly wanted to be told I had finally become a ‘good girl.’ I craved my parents’ attention even if it hurt. Ironically, I was so afraid of hurting them, because I was afraid of them rejecting me. My worst fear was that they’d abandon me. I lived constantly feeling sick, waiting for the moment where I had been too ‘naughty’ and they finally gave up on me and destroyed me like the kittens or just left me in the ring forever, or just threw me on the streets. I had nightmares about them abandoning me. I still do. Now it’s more generic; I have nightmares about a whole host of people – some I barely know, some close friends, some enemies – abandoning me. Some hurt more than others but it’s the fear which turns it into a nightmare. Fear of abandonment. I’ve never really told anyone before; I don’t want to be perceived as needy and as a general rule I wouldn’t say that I am. I have needs but I’m constantly scared of crossing anyone’s boundaries and never want my needs above anyone else’s, and as a result a lot of my counselling/therapy sessions often seem to start with me saying how worried I am about various people (some total strangers I’ve seen on the news). I’m getting a bit better at just saying how I am. But I still worry to death about everyone else. It’s unhealthy. I can’t control what happens to a stranger on the news. I’m not responsible for them – consciously and rationally I know this. And yet so many news stories leave me crying, or shaking, or wanting to do something drastic like emigrate so I can go and do something. It’s all a control thing I guess.
I never found myself being reassured or even my insecurities confirmed consistently as a child or teen. Some days I would be called worthless and deserving to die, other days they’d say I was “good” (only ever really if I was selling myself, or as a tool to get me to do something). I still have difficulties with this, as a result. Some days I feel more worthless than anyone and that I deserve to die. Barely a day or so later and I feel strong, and ready to take on the world. It’s exhausting.
And for whatever reason, I’m struggling with this again. Generally I struggle with guilt but can place why. This general high anxiety without a solid cause or point is often a result of lots of little things happening, which aren’t traumatic but do to some level leave me hazy about my worth. I’m anxious about everyone. And nothing anyone will say will make me feel better. My head will still create an angry or disappointed tone even if it’s not there. I will still see a clenched fist even when there isn’t one. I will hear your sighs and be sure I caused them. So I’m stuck, constantly looking for reassurance or confirmation, and my head only ever allowing me to see confirmation that I’m bad and have somehow upset a lot of people and will take a long time to be forgiven, if ever. The sickness is constant. my heart hammering. And it annoys me. I’ve had a lovely day with a good friend, and I didn’t feel anxious once. I felt the anxiety this morning but she soothed it, and now it’s back with a vengeance. And the worst of it is; I know if I behave in the manner that I’m feeling, I will no doubt upset people and push them away.
Sometimes I wonder if my head is really on my side. What good is coming from this? That I’m living on eggshells waiting for anyone to explode or hit me, and actually growing more agitated the longer nobody (of course) does explode or hit me without warning. Part of me feels like a lost child wanting the mummy I saw glimpses of as a toddler to sit me on her knee and cheer me up. But these were all day-dreams. She would sit me on her knee so the men didn’t have to bend down so far to make me give them a blow job. And that is how fucked up it all is. Another part of me wants someone to say, “you’re right. You’ve screwed up big style and we all hate you.” But then what? Is my head actually trying to lead me towards suicide?
Give me a break….. 😦