A year ago today…

I went away with you…friend who’d appeared from nowhere but gained all of my trust…I went away with you, tearfully grateful that you were taking me away from hell, if only for a week. I wish I’d known you were the start of another hell. I wish I’d known the damage you’d cause to so many, just by me trusting you…

A year ago today…the day before we officially became a couple but god knows really at what point that happened. It’s all a blur. I remember feeling confused and just traumatised by what had happened over Christmas at home,   and you convinced me that I loved you. I had feelings, that I knew. I guessed I was too numb to feel properly,  and that my instincts were only jumpy because of Christmas…which you had rescued me from, I thought. I said I wasn’t sure. You kissed me. I didn’t push you away. That was the answer you needed, and as someone far more experienced and mature than me (I believed) I took your answer as correct. So we were together. The next day…new year’s eve..you said we should get married. Again I trusted your judgement…

A year ago today I met you at the station and broke down in hysterical tears…you held me. I remember crying so hard I thought my chest would rip in two. Crying out of pain but also out of relief that I was with a friend… I’d only been away a week but my life at university felt lifetimes ago, and I felt incredibly alone and scared. I remember the worst thing had happened over Christmas… and I’d written a text to a real friend, begging for help…but I’d hesitated when my thumb hovered over the ‘send’ button. I had already been pulled away from them all without even realising you’d done it. I never sent that text. I regret it bitterly,  everyday. Every day I look at my phone and think “how different it could have all ended…how much harm I could have prevented if I’d just pressed send a year ago,  to the right friends.” I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself…

Little did I know that each harrowing detail I told you,  each time I cried on your shoulder,  each time I yelled out in a nightmare or just needed a hug…each of these would be tools used against me,  to emotionally grind me into dust. Into nothing. Squeeze my heart until I’m silently gasping for breath and relief from this cruel pain…at which you’d just break it. Again and again. Until self-worth packed her suitcase,  and will to live shortly followed. And each time who did I have to turn to? You. I’d cry and apologise to you for being so worthless and broken,  for being such a bad girlfriend,  for existing. I’d cry for your forgiveness. I was terrified of you and yet craved your forgiveness and love. You knew this, of course.

It had taken me so long to allow myself to cry on a friends shoulder or ask for a hug without a solid reason…to allow myself to just cry. You shattered that into pieces.

Eventually I started hinting to my friends,  based on the bits I could remember. I knew the punishments would be… cruel. So cruel. As you felt your hold on me slipping away, your emotional abuse intensified. You knew I can’t dissociate emotional abuse as fast or efficiently as physical. You did both of course,  but emotional ruled your physical. For someone who couldn’t feel…you had quite an obsession with destroying and tearing up my own feelings…

We never married,  thank fuck. I escaped… the friends I’d pushed away because of you hadn’t deserted me,  in fact. It had only been a couple of months… now Christmas felt so far away. And how could I talk about that now everyone was recovering from what you’d done?  How could I believe nobody else would treat me as you had, in response? I didn’t dare trust. I buried the memory so that nobody,  yourself included,  could hurt me with it anymore …

And now a year on,  the memory of course surfaced…the worst impact of it hitting me just days ago. I don’t have you to ‘rescue’ me this time. I am at least safe. But yet again the effects of what you did have left me withdrawn from everyone,  so yet again the pain from this memory is cried about when I’m alone. Yet again I feel ashamed, bewildered and worthless. Yet again I want to die. Yet again this memory is a heavy burden in my heart…not a secret anymore; some people know…but nonetheless I cry on my own…cry so hard that I’m left empty, no actual tears…just dry sobs that cramp up my stomach and squeeze tightly onto my chest. I want a friend to hold me but I cannot ask anymore,  because I’m scared still of what you did…scared to recover from this memory in any other way except extremely painfully,  by myself. Yet again I’m probably hurting people. Yet again I’m hurting myself. Yet again I’m alone with this crippling memory…

You did this. Your abuse has left so many ripples.

I wish I’d pressed “send”…
And I wish I’d listened to the right people last Christmas…
And I so desperately wish I had never trusted or loved you.. 

😥

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6 thoughts on “A year ago today…

  1. This post resonates SO much! From experience I can tell you wholeheartedly that what you are feeling is totally normal, and part of the (ongoing) process of recovering from abuse. So please don’t give yourself a hard time about it. Well done on how far you’ve come already!

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