Lately I’ve been getting more and more of an almost desperation to leave this town; to pack in university, and move somewhere else. Far away. At times it’s been so bad that I’ve been close to tears at the thought of being here for at least another two years, which then makes me feel like a ridiculous cry-baby. But on all honesty, I’ve had enough here. A year ago I wanted to leave but I also wanted a degree, and moving university to change courses made student finance a complete nightmare. So I chose to stay put, and hope the course I was changing to would be the right one. I told myself over and over it’s only three years, and all your friends and support network are here, your music is here, where else would you go?
But I’ve had enough. I don’t know if it’s the fact that if I’d stuck to my previous course, I would be finishing in 4 months and so leaving and so somewhere my head has been geared for that, or whether it’s the fact that in reality the biggest thing which has kept me here has been due to a role which is due to finish soon. I think actually the biggest thing is I’m tired of living in danger; I’m tired of constantly watching over my shoulder (and not accurately enough). I’m tired of having to plan every goddam moment of my day around them, to try and keep me safe. And then me failing at it anyway. I’m tired of aching with the stress. I’m tired of feeling far older than I am, and not due to just being ‘mature’ but due to living with an unreasonable level of stress and fear. I’m tired of juggling two lives – that of a student, and that of a victim of abuse. I feel like flippin batman. Except I don’t do superhero things and have a cool batmobile and cape. Maybe that’s the problem.
I don’t even need a degree. I sit in lectures and feel that I’m wasting my life – what is with this degree structure where it’s spread over 3 years and could actually be taught in half the time?! But they always told me I’d never pass a degree and continue to make active efforts to achieve that, and so I’m determined to get a degree. It does, however, mean I’m stuck here for another 2 years.
And so now I feel selfish. Grrr.
I want out. I’m so tired of just living. It’s especially exhausting living in a place you’ve grown to be fearful of. I feel like I’m being choked here. It’s not big enough. I haven’t been out of this town enough. I just feel like this place is crushing me. I don’t know if I have 2 years left in me.
I need a break. I need a holiday. I need out.
2 years feels like such a ridiculously and near impossible long time when getting through just an hour is a conscious effort. Sometimes I wonder if the suicidal feelings which are now constant are less to do with pain and despair and more to do with the fact I just simply don’t have the energy and stamina to keep doing this….