It’s mother’s day in 2 days time. As with every year, I am dreading it. I can already feel the tight pain in my chest, the heaviness in my stomach. I can’t even try and find the words to explain why the day is so hellish, but I wrote a post last year, which is still relevant (https://fightingtheabuse.wordpress.com/2014/03/30/mothers-day-but-where-are-my-children-and-where-was-my-mother/).
The pain never stops. Sometimes I think I hear her. Sometimes my abdomen gets stuck in a memory and I feel the hiccup butterfly sensation again, for a while, until I find the strength to whisper “it’s just a memory…” and then it fades. I am empty, my arms are empty, so many people keep grumbling at me about it being mother’s day and how they have to speak to/see/contact their mothers and they don’t have time. I want to scream, and cry. If you are lucky enough to have a mother who loves and cherishes you, and you love her…don’t waste a second of it. I have no mother, and my babies aren’t here, I’m a mother without my babies on mother’s day, and a child without her mother.
It feels like my heart is breaking all over again 😥
In the meantime, it’s Friday 13th – ritual day. I’m edgy. And as well as it being mother’s day on Sunday, it’s also my grandmother’s birthday.
God just get me through this weekend in one piece and protect my babies up there… 😥