Vulnerability is beautiful

I hate how “vulnerability” has almost become an insult, or a weakness. Something to try hard not to be, and something to worry about if you’re called it. Somehow we’re all supposed to be strong, all of the time, and never show vulnerability. I despise this. Vulnerability is beautiful. I have spent so long in […]

When you look into my eyes, what do you see?

Our eyes are the windows to our soul, is a quote I saw once. I can’t remember who said it but it struck me as being very true. Looking at people’s eyes has always been one of my strongest survival strategies. I can detect coldness, apathy, cruelty, sadness, guilt, happiness, grief, fear…anything…even if you’re trying […]

Sexual assault a week ago

It’s been an insanely intense week, for better and worse. A week ago today, I was sexually assaulted whilst abroad. It still feels like it was somehow my fault. trigger warning.. It happened pretty fast. A male stranger, of around my age, asked for a hug. The environment I was in meant this was by […]

Let me go into the river… :-(

Sorry I haven’t written in a long time. Mixture of reasons. At the end of September I ended up back in a psychiatric hospital for a week; my first admission in 2 years. It was hard not to see this as a setback even though I recognised it to be progress. The reason I was […]

Airport security + abuse victim = nightmare.

The after-effects of abuse and rape show themselves in situations that even I may have not necessarily thought of, right up until that moment. Such as, airport security…going beep as I walk through the security thing, and having to be patted all over my body. It beeped. I stood still, put my arms out like […]

Losing my memory :(

Last night I lost my memory – a state of amnesia – and went back to age 15. It wasn’t a flashback, as such. I was conscious and awake, only seeing the real world around me…but I was 15. Such an episode is called ‘dissociative amnesia’: “Someone with dissociative amnesia will repeatedly have periods where […]

Life as a temporarily homeless teen on the streets…

Sometimes people ask me why I didn’t run away when I was a teenager. I guess to the outside world this seems the most obvious thing to do – why would anyone in their right mind choose to stay in that abusive situation? Unfortunately it’s far more complicated than that, as I learned by my […]

Error message: Will to live malfunctioning…. energy levels loading, stuck at 20%….

Grief is terrible. Grief mixed with guilt and depression is downright dangerous. And that’s where I’m at now. Doing marginally better than yesterday – I can at least see I’m in a dangerous place, whereas yesterday daytime it felt only like the ‘right’ place to be…I’m at least nearer to reality again, but no nearer […]